Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.