*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*