Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Nomnomnomnom
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
United Steaks of America
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.