My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones