I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Dune (2021)
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that