CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
You Might Also Like
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
peak technology
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways