Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Does beer think about me too?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.