Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Good boy 😂😂
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
asking santa clause for nudes
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing