About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit