my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week