if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
🍛
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Dune (2021)
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
my name if I was in the mob
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!