I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Sorry I made promises on Friday
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]