Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!