I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
😬
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.