I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.