Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
my one true gender
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.