80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
no such thing as a dumb question
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
they really do be looking like this
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.