[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
If you love someone, let them tweet.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.