What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
OH. COME. ON.
There’s only one good girl here!
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!