Never ghost your hitman.
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
WHY?!
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching