Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
my mind
You just read my mind
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion