evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
no one ever comes back
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter