Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
when you don’t want to be too vague
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.