detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
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“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.