I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
this post was so formative to me
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
What the dentist sees