I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
So that’s what we looked like?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.