The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You Might Also Like
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.