Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.