horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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