If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don鈥檛 get it either.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 馃
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you鈥檝e seen it then
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 馃憡
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.