MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…