A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.