Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that鈥檚 your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Realtor Dog: if you鈥檇 like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I鈥檓 ready when you are
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
馃槀馃槀
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.