I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
6: are snakes just neck?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )