Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.