The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
This is not me but this is me
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.