When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house