It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit