I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
You Might Also Like
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?