Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Morning my dudes.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now