Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules