[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.