Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable