when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Its a hippotatomus
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.