[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air