Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
<- sleeps well with others
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG