interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy