Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Coffee is ready.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing