Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.