Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Yup….perfect score!
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?